– for it to keep your food cold, or else there’s little difference between it and a table. – to keep your food fresh, because that’s what fridges do. Are supposed to.

Your fridge’s evil plan!

– to leave an iceberg of Titanic proportions in your freezer compartment, such that it’ll take days, (nay, years), to defrost.  “Frost free? What’s that?”, your fridge chuckles.– to make like the sun and thaw your food when you explicitly asked it NOT to (and it explicitly agreed)– to hide your food in places you never knew existed (labyrinth, anyone?) until you start to smell something verrrrrry wrong each time you open the fridge door.How to prevent your fridge’s disobedience:– every night, read poetry to itDefrost and declutter it on a regular basis so it feels loved and cared for and feels less of a need to rebel in order to be noticed.– Make a note of its insurance and warranty and stick both dates on the fridge door to ensure they’re both always up to date.– Every week or so, have a rummage through to ensure nothing should be in the bin rather than the fridge.

–heat up fairly quickly and not think it’s your fridge– warm your food thoroughly. Cooked through. Piping hot. Steam curling out seductively from your dinner when you cut into it, like it’s in an advert.

– not burn your food

Your oven’s evil plan:– to take AGES warming up, to the extent that you start considering perhaps the food’ll warm up quicker if you breathed on it yourself

– to cook your food deceptively. Piping hot on the outside. Cold on the inside.

– burn your food whatever temperature you set it at, because once your oven makes up its mind, it makes up its mind.

How to prevent your oven’s disobedience:– test your oven’s sensor on a regular basis (you’ll need an Ohm meter). It should be at a healthy 1050-1100 Ohms at a room temperature of 15-27 C. (p.s.: disconnect from mains before testing)

– keep insurance/warranty up to date. Ovens have an uncanny way of misbehaving the minute these expire.

– If you have a non-electrical oven, check your pilot light often to make sure there isn’t anything covering its port (bits of food, residue from what you used to clean the oven). You can clean the port with the aid of a small wire.

– for it to like water– for it to express how much it likes water by letting it pass through effortlessly– for it not to leak

Your sink’s evil plan:– to develop an allergy to water– to be extremely receptive to food

– to leak at the most inconvenient of times as it’s psychically attuned to your diary.

– leave it to have an overnight heart-to-heart chat with some liquid drain unblocker (or vinegar and bicarbonate of soda).– put it on a strict water diet by buying a sink strainer– have a second diary as a decoy

– for it to actually wash

– to stick to the cycle you set it at, because it likes and respects you

– to be noisy but courteously so

– to physically stick to one spot

Your washing machine’s evil plan:– for your clothes to come out dirtier than when you put them in the wash

– to wash twice as long as you initially set it, sometimes longer, depending on whether it’s a full moon or not

– to make as much noise as possible…and move around just as much (“Hello. Only me. Just passing through”, it says as it rattles past you towards the hallway).

– if it’s not sticking to its cycle and/or it really is that noisy and it’s happened a few times, check your warranty/insurance and see if it can get fixed or replaced.– tell it you’re sorry, even though you’ve done nothing wrong. Sometimes, that’s all a washing machine wants to hear.

– to be sensitive towards all slices and forms of bread and treat them all equally

– to pop up/stay down when it’s supposed to and to know the difference between the two

– for it to toast bread in an unburnt fashion, unless you explicitly ask it to

Your toaster’s evil plan:– to burn everything, even at the expense of its own demise

– to adamantly refuse to pop up/stay down when it’s meant to

– to have a complete and utter disregard for the current economic climate and make you buy twice as many loaves of bread as you actually need because it insists on burning every slice to a crisp.

How to prevent your toaster’s disobedience: –Crumbs collect at the bottom and might be one of the things your toaster’s moaning about. Clean it out on a weekly basis. (again, disconnecting it from the mains first.)

– Toast slices that are of the same size. Lessens the likelihood of burning.